My internal struggle with my role as stepmom is the main reason I started this blog. I want to feel like I'm a good stepmom, but I always feel like I could and should be doing more. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am simply the best stepmom I can be. By that I mean that I can only give so much of myself before I start resenting my role. When resentment rears it's ugly head, I am no longer a stepmom. I fall into the role of stepbitch. Guilty loses its power and anger takes over. Since the choice is either guilt or anger, GIVE ME GUILT.
And when I feel guilty and I'm looking for something to make me feel a little bit better about myself, I like to reflect upon the efforts put forth by the OTHER woman Minnow calls mom. I'll admit that after 4 years, I don't know that much about her. I know not of her occupation, nor of her address. I know she likes to throw around terms like goddess and healer, spirit and skydancer. With good reason, I imagine her extracurricular activities involve dancing naked around bonfires while beating on a drum. (I'm not kidding.) I know she values those in her life she calls friends and I know that she partakes in "healing" retreats. Most importantly, I know that all activities in her life take precedence over being a mother to her daughter. And after reminding myself that THIS is the woman I am comparing myself to, suddenly and immediately, I feel less like shit. Yea me.
Monday, February 25, 2008
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3 comments:
Know what I do to make myself feel better? I read mommy blogs by women still married to their children's fathers! I'm serious. People confess to things that make me feel so, so normal and good. For some reason these kinds of mommies -- the ones still married to their kids' dads -- seem to feel more secure confessing their shortcomings and their human-ness (and their resentment, which is also BIG sometimes).
If you're worried about doing a good enough job, chances are extremely high that you're doing an great job. Everybody's learning. Nobody just knows how to do it. And stepparenting is one of the hardest things to get the hang of. Just the fact that you're concerned about it and want to do well says volumes.
My internal struggle with my role as stepmom is the main reason I started this blog. I want to feel like I'm a good stepmom, but I always feel like I could and should be doing more...
Welcome to motherhood! I'm a mom, and I can relate to everything you say here. I think that this sort of stress is just a natural part of holding the role of mother, whether its biological mother or stepmother, because we realize what an important role it is and want to do it "right," yet it's so challenging.
From what I can tell from this post, your stepdaughter is extremely fortunate to have a stepmom who a) wants to do the best job she can, and b) realizes that if she pushes herself too hard she'll experience burnout and not be able to be there for anyone.
Really, I think that that's all it takes to be a good mother: love your kids, do your best, and realize that you're only human.
Just my $0.02. :)
Sorry for the second comment, but I meant to add: I found the book You're a Better Parent Than You Think by Dr. Ray Guarendi to be really helpful in this department. Reading it gave me a lot of confidence and helped me release a lot of the worry I felt about my parenting not being good enough. The author has 10 adopted children, some who came from abusive backgrounds, so he's definitely faced a lot of challenging situations in his own family.
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